By Elizabeth Kingsley with illustrations by Josh Grabiec

NATURE STRIKES BACK!

• Killer Communist crustaceans attack Norway!

Britain’s Daily Telegraph reports that millions of giant Pacific crabs are marching south along Norway’s coast, devouring everything in their path. The monster crabs can weigh up to twenty-five pounds and have a claw-span of more than three feet. Numbering more than ten million, the crabs have left in their wake what one expert described as “an underwater desert”. Known as “Red King Crabs”, the animals are descendants of specimens brought to Europe in the 1930s by Joseph Stalin.

The UN has set up a taskforce for eliminating the advancing menace. In an interview, team leader General Mark Grayson issued a warning that the crabs were no ordinary enemy, apparently exerting an influence over other marine life. “We’re seeing species in this area that we’ve never seen before,” Grayson claimed today. “And what species? Red snapper. Redeye bass. Pink shrimp. The cerise short-tailed ceratosoma nudibranch. I think it’s pretty obvious what’s going on here!” General Grayson went on to describe his plan for eliminating these menaces, by flooding the local waters with sex hormones. “The theory is, these animals will be driven to spawn continuously until they all die of exhaustion!” Questioned as to whether his radical scheme might not in fact result in more, rather than less, of the invading marine creatures, Grayson immediately terminated the interview.

Meanwhile, scientists at the Denmark Aquarium have revealed that their offer of assistance in dealing with the marine crisis was rejected outright. “Cleaning up General Grayson’s remarks,” said Professor Martens, “he told us to get on our bikes.” Asked for a reaction to Grayson’s radical scheme, Martens described it as “redefining the limits of human stupidity”.

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